Goodbye 2020, HELLO 2021

WOW!  What a year 2020 has been. Through the ups and downs of 2020 Jeff and I feel very fortunate that we have been able to continue to work, when many others have not. I don’t ever want to take it for granted. 

Overall, the year hasn’t been terrible for our family. Because of this quarantine, life as we knew it, slowed down. There were no activities to attend, no school functions, ball games or parties. Life came to a screeching halt for everyone and because of that, we were able to spend more time with our older kids this year than in many years past. I consider that a huge blessing.

When all this started, Kiarra immediately moved home from college and finished the semester online. She was home throughout the summer and then went back to Dallas to finish her last semester at CFNI in August. I have to admit, it was wonderful having her home for so long. Soon after she returned to Dallas in August, she, along with many others, tested positive for COVID. Kiarra and all her roommates had to quarantine, along with about 125 others on campus. They made the best of it and really lived it up during that time. They all had, what I would consider, a very mild case of COVID. The only symptom they had was when they lost sense of taste and smell for a couple of hours 3-4 days after testing positive. Other than that, they were great. As they were not allowed to leave their room, the day she and all her roommates tested positive, I packed up several fighter essential oils and supplements and picked up a bunch of healthy food and drove them to her and her roommates.  They diffused constantly, applied oils topically and took the supplements. Thankfully, when they got tested the second time, they were all negative. Kiarra graduated from CFNI in November with her Bachelors of Practical Ministry in Biblical Counseling.  She will continue her education full time at DBU to get her Bachelors of Sociology and will then go on to get her Masters degree to become an Adoption Agent. If you are reading this, I assume you know me pretty well and know that I have always dreamed of adopting a child (or five). To say I am thrilled about this is a complete understatement, I can’t wait to see all the lives changed.  This fall she started working as a nanny and she loves it, she’s always been great with kids so I didn’t doubt this job for a second. The family she works for has 4 girls, ages 4-11 and they are a handful. Kiarra moved into her first apartment in November, right before graduating from CFNI.  She and her roommate settled in quickly and they got a puppy.  She was able to come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas as the family she works for went out of town. She’s taken classes each semester at DBU and will finish up her Bachelors in Sociology degree there within the next year or so. Then, she’ll continue on to get her masters at UT.

Tamia also spent quite a bit of time with us this summer. She was able to come for Jaydens graduation and then she stayed with us for almost 2 months. As I’ve said before, I feel complete when all the kids are under one roof.  We have so much fun when we are all together. The kids are so close and they get along so well. I love to sit and just listed to their stories, especially when they share memories from their childhood. Tamia started her last year of college this fall and is on track to graduate in May 2021. She is so brave y’all!!  She will be a high school math teacher!  She has always been so patient when teaching her siblings and others, this is going to be such a great career for her. She’s always had the most kind heart but she can be tough when she need to be, a perfect combination for teaching high school kids. Teachers have the unique ability to change and shape lives daily. These kids often spend more time at school than at home and so she’ll be able to be a positive light to those she’s able to influence. Tamia is working as a server at a steakhouse and also just moved into her very first apartment. She was able to come and spend time with us over Thanksgiving and Christmas (my heart is full).

Taryn went back to school, in-person, when the fall school year started (well, 3 weeks after school started). She is half way through 8th grade and thriving. Taryn is the editor of the yearbook this year and this is no small feat. There is a lot of pressure on these editors to ensure everything going into the yearbook is perfect. With so many kids still doing school online from home, it’ll be a very different yearbook than ever before. Taryn played volleyball in school again this year and is now playing basketball and club volleyball. She likely won’t play basketball after this year as it’s not something she loves. She enjoys it, but she loves volleyball and track so I think she’ll stick with those in high school.  Wow!  Did I just say high school?? Taryn isn’t our baby girl anymore. She has grown up to be this beautiful young lady and she is so kind and generous. She can read me better than anyone and is so comforting. It doesn’t matter how hard I try to hide my feelings from her, she always knows when something is wrong or if I’m upset. She loves to organize, I often find her in the pantry re-organizing or in the middle of the night she’ll re-arrange her room and re-organize all her clothes and things. Back in May, at the end of her 7th grade year, Taryn received the Viking Award from her school. This award is given to one boy and one girl in each grade. It’s teacher nominated and then all the staff votes. I’ve mentioned before that this is Taryns 5th school (even though we’ve lived in the same house) and I’ve worried from time to time about her adjusting. She, along with other kids in our neighborhood, have had to make new friends with each new school.  She really loves her school, the teachers, coaches and administrators. I didn’t think I’d ever like a school more than what I liked WCJH, but Adams has by far surpassed them in my book. 

Jayden absolutely loves the Architecture program at University of Houston.  Although all of his classes are online, and he has no roommate or suite mate, he has still managed to enjoy his time there. He is busy! This program is no walk in the park. I thought he’d spend his first year or two doing basic courses and would later dive into architecture but he has already had multiple projects. They wasted no time getting right into it. It was pretty quiet on campus this fall, as few students are there and not many things are open. Thankfully, the gym is open so he’s been able to work out. There is a bowling alley on campus so he and his friends go bowling quite often (he even asked for bowling shoes for Christmas).  Of course Jeff absolutely loves that he is so into bowling. Jayden was able to come home several weekends as he’s only 45 minutes from us. There was a point that I didn’t see him for 3 weeks and I was really starting to miss my boy. I know, I know… cut the cord, they all grow up. Blah blah blah. 

I wrote in a previous blog From Six to Three that is was going to be difficult transitioning from a house of 6 to a house of 3. There were times that is was noticeable and other times it just seemed normal. Well, normal for a year like 2020. All three of them basically left at once and that is a shock to my heart. Even now, anytime Kiarra has come home from Dallas, Jayden also comes home but then they leave at the exact same time to return to school What the heck!!??  They could, at a minimum, wait a few hours in-between to leave, but noooooo, they leave at the EXACT SAME TIME😂.  Honestly, shhh - don’t tell them, maybe it’s better they do it this way. If it was drawn out, it may be worse. 

I also mentioned in that blog post that it would be a difficult transition to cook for only 3 people. I have not mastered that and still cook for 6-8 people most of the time. It’s like my brain won’t let me cook for less, I can’t figure it out. It seems so easy, “just make smaller portions” but all the recipes in my head are for 6+ people. It’s easy to double up on them when we have guests but for whatever reason, I can’t cut them in half.  So weird, right?!  Because of this, I’ve really only been cooking once or twice a week. I miss cooking, I actually really enjoy cooking. Thankfully, Taryn and a couple of her friends come to our each each Wednesday and I feed them before taking them to practice. This has given me an extra night of cooking and since it’s for 6 of us, I know what I’m doing and it’s the perfect amount.

Jeff and I continue to work from home. I went to the office for a couple of weeks the beginning off November, after we hired someone to work with me here in the US. The plan now is to only go in once or twice a week. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t go in at all but my coworker wants/likes to be in the office. 

With being home or together pretty much all of the time, you’d think that Jeff and I would get sick of each other but it’s quite the opposite. Of course he still annoys me from time to time (and I do everything I can to get on his nerves 😂😂) but our relationship has really flourished this past year. Election years are a little tough on couples who don’t see eye to eye on political matters. Thankfully, we were able to discuss things a bit more this year. As soon as things started to get a little heated, or down a path we didn’t like, we’d stop the conversation. We agree that we can see each others points and although we may not completely agree on the point itself, we can understand and have respect for one another. We’ll never be able to convince each other of our beliefs because we were raised differently, grew up in totally different worlds and were exposed to very different worldly things. Jeff will never ever understand what it was like to grow up white, in a teeny tiny town, with an overall population smaller than his graduating class. I’ll never understand what it was like to grow up black, in the city of New Orleans. We have different opinions and beliefs on some worldly things because we are different  people, raised very different… but the beauty of it, is that IT IS OKAY! We don’t have to believe the same about everything. Seriously, how boring would our life be if everyone had the same thoughts and beliefs?! Sounds terrible and boring! When Jeff and I first had children we didn’t even agree on the way to discipline them but over time, and through many conversations we came to an agreement (read more about that here in Are Your Children Likable). There are many political things that we DO agree on, we actually agree on more than what we disagree on (I think he’s moving to my side 😂😂). The most important thing is that we agree on the things that matter the most (religion, family, health, finances, Trina is the boss, etc.).

Jeff had his 20 year anniversary with AT&T this year. TWENTY YEARS! We are so fortunate as it really is rare to be able to stay with a company for so long these days. Jeff really wanted to celebrate with all 6 of us and we were finally able to do that over Thanksgiving (thank you AT&T for the delicious meal). 

I had my 5 year anniversary this year and was fortunate to gain another week of vacation. I was on my own for a while this year as my other co-worker left in July and we didn’t hire her replacement until November. My boss and the rest of my team is spread out (The Netherlands, UK, UAE, England) and there have only been two of us in our US office for a couple of years. It was a bit odd at first but I quickly got use to it.

This past summer, Jeff and I were supposed to go to Europe for 3 weeks. We had been planning the trip for a while and although I would have had to work during one of the weeks, we were so very excited about this trip. Jeff has never been out of the country and so he was super excited. Perhaps 2021 will be our year to take our trip around Europe, or maybe it’ll be 2023. Whenever it ends up being, I’ll be grateful for the time. 

For the first time ever, we flew as a family to Iowa this year for Christmas. We have each flown but we’ve never all flown together as a family because we always drive. Since the kids were little (after 9/11), it was just easier to throw everything in the car and go. There were times it was an exhausting drive but they kids were so used to it, it’s all they knew. Taryn remembers flying one time, but she doesn’t remember the trip itself, she only remembers crying because her ears were hurting. Kiarra flew to Boston over the summer but prior to that, she also doesn’t ever remember being on a plane. I will say, it was so nice getting there and not being exhausted from being in a car for 15 hours. We were able to be there for a full week this year.  With the exception of going sledding one day, and stopping into my friends boutique, we didn’t leave Moms house. It was very strange not seeing extended family. I sure hope it’s the last year we have to be isolated from others because I miss my peeps!  It snowed while we were there so that was nice. 

We truly have so much to be thankful for in 2020. We were able to chill. Like really really chill. We took a much needed break from the hustle and bustle of life and enjoyed home. I’m so thankful for all the great things that came from 2020. I now have an appreciation for toilet paper, something so simple that we all took for granted.

As we reflect on the year, I asked Jeff and each of the kids to share 2 highlights of this year:

• Creating a better bond with all three of my siblings ~ Taryn
• Figuring our who. My true friends are ~ Taryn
• Buying my very own car ~ Tamia
• Getting my own apartment ~ Tamia & Kiarra
• Graduating from CFNI ~ Kiarra
• Graduating from High School ~ Jayden
• Starting college ~ Jayden
• Spending time with all the kids & each other ~ Jeff & Trina
• Spending a week in Iowa this summer ~ Jeff
• New family pictures ~ Trina
• Jayden graduating from high and getting to have a ceremony and party ~ Jeff & Trina
• Kiarra graduating from CFNI and getting to have a ceremony ~ Jeff & Trina
• Making a huge lego ship ~ Jeff
• Prank Wars ~ Trina
• New workout countability partner/friend ~ Jeff
• Date nights with friends ~ Jeff & Trina
• Marilyn’s tomatoes ~ Jeff
• Hibachi night where Jayden was the chef & going to Sister Duo Restaurant where Kiarra and Taryn were the Chefs ~ Trina
• Leadership Academy ~ Jeff & Trina
• Spartan Trifecta ~ Jeff
• Birthday Parades. I mean, why are these just now a thing. Brilliant!! ~ Trina
• Beach days with friends ~ Trina
• Reconnecting with old friends ~ Trina

Ok, ok… I couldn’t keep mine to just two. I’m just so very grateful and thankful for so many things. 2020 wasn’t the best year ever but it certainly wasn’t the worst. I chose to find joy in the tough moments, positivity when everyone else in the world seemed to be so negative and most importantly love over hate. 

Wishing you all a blessed 2021!!

ps - I'm not the boss. It was a joke. 

ARE YOUR CHILDREN LIKABLE??

I wrote this blog post over 4 years ago... At first, each time I’d go to post it, something would have recently happened with a friend and I didn’t want them to think this is directed towards them. I’ve reread, changed and added to this post 17 dozen times…ok, ok, not 17 dozen but certainly no less than a dozen. I initially started when we were seeing some crazy things in the news with school shootings and adults going crazy over Trump or Hillary possibly becoming our president (I still don’t understand how we didn’t have more qualified candidates available to run...and here we are again in the same position).

I am being extremely vulnerable here with my opinions. I’ve hesitated for years on posting it because I don’t want my opinions and experiences to change the way you think about me and more importantly, I don’t want you to think I’m judging you.

I know how hard parenting is and I want to build you up, not tear you down. It takes a village to raise kids and I’m so grateful for the village that has helped us along the way. I’m so very grateful for a couple of specific people who poured into us when we were young parents and shared with us some specific principles in raising children.

Believe me, I don’t write this thinking I have everything figured out! If you know anything about what we went through in 2012-2013, you know we do not have it all figured out...

Today, I received a sweet compliment from a friend on how she hopes her young daughter is half as great as Taryn one day. She told me that I should teach a parenting class and so this prompted me to finally publish this blog...

Well, here goes (I've had to tweak a few things since it's been so long that I wrote this, all my tweaks are in blue).

Let’s start with a question…

Are your children, children that people want to be around?

Did you have to think about that?

It’s a question that was asked to me 12 16 years ago and one that I pondered and took swift action to change the way I was parenting. I read books, attended parenting classes with our pastors and evaluated our parenting and disciplinary actions. One of my favorite books was Train up a Child by Daniel L. Switzer.

Jeff and I didn’t initially see eye to eye on parenting. He had to break the switch off the tree to get a whoopin’ when he needed to be disciplined. I only recall being spanked one time. He wanted to spank and I wanted to focus on positive reinforcement. What an idiot I was! I’m not against positive reinforcement, I think it should be used on a daily basis as part of building up the character of our children, not a replacement for punishment.

As I was the one who was home with the children most often due to Jeff’s school and work schedule when they were little, I was the one to discipline most of the time. We practiced a tough love discipline at a very early age. From the time they were born (or a few weeks old), we began discipline. No, I didn’t whoop my infant, but I did very gently move their hands from pulling my hair or earrings and lovingly said “no-no, we don’t pull hair” in a soft but firm voice. As they got older, they’d get the light tap on the hand with a more firm “no – we don’t pull hair.” This is just one example of how discipline starts at a very young age.

How about a few more questions… Do your children:

• Scream and throw tantrums?
• Talk back to you?
• Run around at a dinner out like little monsters bumping into waiters and waitresses?
• Do their chores without being asked?
• Do what you ask them to do without having to ask multiple times?

We are raising the next generation of human beings. Put your phone down and pay attention to your kiddos. Listen to them, teach them, praise them, build up their character and love them. They grow up so fast, now with 3 in college, I wish I would have listened more, read 'one more book' before tucking them into bed, played more games (and if you know us you know we already play a lot) and most important, prayed more with each of them.

Another question… Why do you allow your kids to behave badly? Yes, this is a legit question. When you are in public (or at home) and your kids are screaming and yelling and you do nothing about it, you are allowing this behavior to continue. But why? Why do you allow this? I’m not talking about the random, once every couple of months fit. I’m talking about the day to day bad behavior that you allow that stresses you out and causes you to drink every day.

When you shove a device in their hands to shut them up, you have allowed them to behave badly and have rewarded them for their bad behavior. When you ignore them and allow them to continue screaming and throwing a fit, you are allowing this to continue. When you let them walk freely and they run away from you and have to chase them like a maniac yet do nothing to stop it, you are allowing this to continue. This is all mind blowing to me. I can’t understand it, I literally can’t comprehend this style of parenting and why you'd want to be so stressed all the time.

What has happened to teaching your kids to act properly at a restaurant, at a friend’s home or even at your own home? What happened to making your child sit quietly in the cart (withOUT a device in their hand) while you do a little grocery shopping? What happened to talking to your children while you shop and run errands, explaining to them what you are buying, why you're buying it, what you are doing, where you’re going later in the day, etc.? I walk around the store now and am so saddened by each kid having a device in their hand and no interaction with the adult at all. What are we doing to our children?

Are we that scared as a society to discipline our children? Are we so consumed with how others think of us that we can’t even discipline to raise our children in a way that will set up their future for success?

Kids not only need discipline, they want it. Everyone succeeds when a child has had proper discipline. A child who behaves properly and is respectful is a child that everyone wants to be around. Do people want to be around your children?

When our 4 children were younger we’d walk into a restaurant, and people would roll their eyes at us. Some would roll their eyes because of the beautiful variety of skin tone we offer. Others would roll their eyes because of the kids being so young (newborn, 5, 7 and 8 or before Taryn was born ages would be 2, 4 and 5). They’d immediately thought their dining experience was going to be ruined. I cannot even count the amount of times that someone would stop by our table and say something like “when you walked in with all those kids we dreaded the hostess sitting you by us, but your children are so well behaved, great job raising them”. I get emails often from teachers thanking us for raising polite children.

I don’t include this to brag or gloat. I include this because I know how hard it is to raise kids to be respectful, sit quietly yet still have fun at a dinner out. I share this because there are parents out there right now struggling with this and maybe this will give them hope that they too can enjoy a dinner out with their littles. Tough love was worth it guys.

We had one hard pressed rule on going out to eat, going to birthday parties or to a friends for dinner. If the kids had missed their nap that day, we were NOT going. I was not about to set them up for failure, or myself for anxiety and a miserable time (not only for me but everyone around us who are trying to enjoy a dining out experience), all because the kid didn’t get a nap. Why would you do this to yourself? To your children? To other lovely people in the community and your friends? I'm going to ruffle some feathers with this next statement but I think it's important to include... I do NOT think kids should get to play on a phone or tablet while dining out in order to behave or be good while you chat it up with your friends. They might get to use a device for 30 minutes when you get home because they showed good behavior at the restaurant, but they certainly are not going to be rewarded with playing games because they acted like a little brat and you want to shut them up with the device. What is this teaching them? Be terrible and be rewarded? No. No. No. And honestly, my kids wouldn't get the 30 minute "reward" for their "good behavior" because we expected/demanded it. It would have been a normal day for them to behave well at a restaurant because we've taught them, from a young age, our expectations of how to act in public.

Did that hit a nerve? Are you still with me?

I’ve had friends say to me, “oh Joey was so bad yesterday, he threw fits all day, he wouldn’t nap, he wouldn’t listen, etc…” I’ll ask “what did he eat?” The response, “for breakfast he had donuts and juice, for a snack he had crackers and fruit snacks, for lunch he had a corn dog and chips, and for dinner last night we went and ate Mexican food.”

Well my friend, there is your answer!

You can’t feed your kids sugar and processed foods ALL day and expect them to behave properly. Even if you have other measures of discipline in your home, the sugar and processed food intake will take over their mind. Where are the fruits and vegetables? Where is the home cooked food (and I’m not talking about boxed mac & cheese or hamburger helper here)? Where is the balance between good and bad. Don’t get me wrong, there are days we eat donuts as well. We love donuts, but it’s certainly not happening more than once a week, if even once every two – three weeks. Months go by and we don’t eat donuts. They are horrible! We also eat processed foods, and I love some good Mexican food, but in moderation. If it were up to me, we’d eat fresh meat, fruits and veggies for every single meal (and I hope to get there sooner than later).

Some may say “well I am going to die anyway and I just want to enjoy what I eat.” How’s that working out for you? I used to have this attitude and it’s a really bad one to have. Yes, the only thing in life that is guaranteed is death, but it doesn’t mean we have to torture our bodies with crack (sugar) to end up with cancer and/or any other horrible diseases such as alzheimer's, dementia, etc. Feeding your kids in this way is not only causing them to act like little heathens, it’s literally killing them.

When the kids were little, Cheetos made them act crazy. I didn't know why, but I hated them eating Cheetos. It was almost as if a demon took over their body, they immediately were rambunctious and disobedient. I hated it but never understood what it was about the Cheetos that caused this. I now know it's the red dye and MSG. Processed food, MSG, and dye is TERRIBLE for their little brains. It is terrible for all of our brains but especially theirs.

Ok – enough about food… let’s talk about behavior in general.

Are you teaching your children to lie? I mean, we all know we don't have to 'teach' them to lie but are you making it worse by having them lie? Think about this... Do you ask them to hide things from Daddy? "Don't tell Daddy I bought this", or "don't tell Daddy we got ice cream today". Do you tell your kids to lie to their teacher that they were sick when really you were on vacation? Do you tell your kids to lie to their siblings that they didn't do something that they actually did for fear the other child might be "jealous" because they didn't get to do it? If we encourage them to lie, and teach them that it's ok to lie by having them do it, you are in big big trouble my friend.

Do your children talk back to you? This was one of our hard rules that we did not bend. Absolutely no talking back, ever. Not to us, not to other adults, not to teachers or grandparents and not to each other. One quick back hand was all it took for them to never do it again. And let me be clear, I'm not talking about when we are in a discussion or something of that sort. I'm talking about "Suzie, pick up your shoes and put them away". "Yes ma'am" is all I need to hear. If there was a hesitant thought and/and slight mouthing of "but...." BAM! backhanded in a second. Again, we didn't have to do this but maybe one time because we just didn't allow them to talk back. We took the authority over them from the start. We were in charge and they respected us.

We also didn't allow them to fight or stay angry at each other. Of course they still had little discussions and arguments but we talked through them. We worked through them and let them explain themselves to one another so that they could learn to communicate and not be upset because of a misunderstanding. That has changed a bit in the recent teen/adult years but when they were little, nope, not having it, didn't allow it.

Does your child do what you ask them to do the first time you ask? This is another thing we instilled at a very young age and didn't bend. There was no counting to 3 (don't even get me started on how stupid this is, yes I said it... it may be the stupidest thing a parent can do), and no telling them 14 times to do something. Do what we ask the first time we ask and do it with a happy heart. PERIOD!

Now that I've mentioned counting... let's go there. Counting is counter productive. Why would you want to count to 3 before your child listens? Seriously, why? Think about that.

Counting to 3, you know the long drawn out onnneee, twwwoooo, twwooo and a half,. thrrrrrr, teaches kids that they don't really have to listen. They learn that they have many opportunities before they have to actually listen and you are literally teaching them that it's ok not to listen. Hear me out here. Suzie is playing out in your front yard and you see a car speeding down the street and you just don't have a good feeling about this car. You call Suzie over and she just looks at you like you are crazy because you haven't gotten to twwooo and a half yet. Bam! Suzie gets hit by the car that was driving crazy because she didn't obey the first time you called her name to come to you.

Is that an extreme example? Yep! On purpose to get you see how dangerous it is to count. Let’s use a less extreme example. Suzie is 4 years old and you’ve asked her multiple times to get her shoes on so you can leave the house. You already have them set out for her, all she needs to do is grab them and slip them on. She’s a big girl, she can do this, but she doesn’t respond to you. You tell her again and again, and then start counting. You’ve given her 5 opportunities to put her shoes on. You are frustrated and frazzled and your heart is starting to race. You wonder why she doesn’t listen the first time. She still doesn’t have her shoes on and since you’re now running late, there is no consequence for her not obeying, 5 times, and so it’s ignored. You put her shoes on for her and off you go. Even if she finally put them on herself, you have literally allowed her to be disobedient, disrespectful, rebellious, disruptive, etc.

Your child should do what you ask, the first time you ask. Believe me, you want this! Your home will be so much more peaceful. Your health will improve and you’ll have more energy for the things you love. And, as importantly, your child will be a better human being. You’ll instill in them the importance of responding and obeying the first time which automatically molds them into being respectful, and as they get older, they will be more responsible. Let me be clear, this doesn't mean they’ll never be rebellious.

Alright... let's talk about stress. If you are stressed, your kids are going to be stressed. If you are worried about this election (and again this year) and openly discussing your fears in front of your young children (about anything and everything), you are instilling fear in them that doesn't need to be there. Are you stressed about finances, work, health, moving (the list goes on and on)? These are adult issues that only need to be discussed with adults. Don't impress this fear in them. They have enough to worry about, they do not need to carry your burdens. It’s ok to share certain things with them, age appropriate of course, so that they can learn but little kiddos don’t need to know all the crazy details.

Speaking of stress, how do you handle your stress? Do you drink? Smoke? Your children are learning your habits, behavior and patterns. If you drink each night because you are stressed, guess what, they are going to want to drink when they are stressed. Stress starts at a very young age these days and kids are battling wars we didn't have to battle. They face things we didn't have to face. They are stressed and are going to find a way to deal with that stress. What kind of an example are you setting? Am I saying I never drink? Nope! I’m not saying that. I enjoy a glass of wine or margarita here or there, but I have one hard rule about drinking. I will NOT drink if I’m stressed. I’m not ‘coping’ with stress by drinking it away. I have many other ways, and could write a whole blog just on that.

Are you fighting in front of your children? Do you know the insecurities that are caused by this? Do you know how afraid they are when you raise your voice and argue with your spouse? This has life long effects, don't do it. Learn to fight right. Learn to communicate and respect one another. Learn to leave the children out of it. And please, PLEASE, do NOT turn the children against the other parent. There is absolutely no need for them to know any details of the disagreement you had with your spouse.

Alright, let’s switch gears here.

When your child messes up, and eventually they will, just know that a bad choice doesn't mean they are a bad person. Their actions don't define them. Other people's perception doesn't define them. Now if they choose to continue doing the same bad things over and over, that is another situation but kids are going to mess up. Whether it's a bad grade, a decision to talk to someone they shouldn't talk to (online), experiment with drugs, etc. they can make bad choices without being a bad person.

Build them up. Don't talk negatively about them when they can hear you (or at all). If you need to vent to your Mom or a friend about something, don't do this in their presence. Don't tell Dad how they failed a test in a demeaning way in front of them and your other children (or their friends). They already feel terrible for failing, talk about it privately and come together with a plan to help Suzie-Q succeed. I'm not saying not to talk about it, but be careful with your tone and facial expressions. I didn't realize the awful face I would make (and still do, working on that) when I'd be upset with them. It was terrifying.

Encourage them. Tell them what they CAN do, not what you think they can't do. Don't remind them constantly that they did this wrong or that wrong. Don't remind them that they are scared of this or that. Encourage them to find what they are passionate about and support that. Encourage them to help others, instill good working principles into them so that they want to be a good citizen and serve others (with a happy heart). Encourage them to do things they are afraid of but don't push to hard. Encourage them to try new things, again with a happy heart.

Praise them! When they do a great job, make a big deal of it. When they listen the first time you tell them to do something, make a big deal of it. Praise them and lift them up. Speak love into them. Speak truth. Praise them when they pick up their toys, even if it's not to your perfection. Praise them when they eat the vegetable that they didn't want to eat. Praising and encouraging them helps to build their character.

Listen. Listen. Listen. Y'all, I've been there through the story that could have been told in 35 seconds but instead it took 10 minutes, 20 minutes or even an hour. There are times I thought the story would never end. There were times I wanted to say 'get to the point' (but never did!). What they are telling you is important to them, make it important to you too. Stop what you are doing, put the phone down, look them in the eye and listen. Love their story. Be encouraged by it, encourage them to continue talking. One day, if you continue to make them feel unimportant by not listening and engaging with them, they will find someone/something else to make them feel good and it could be terrible.

Don't yell. Yelling is so harsh and it only scares them. When you yell, they can't hear anything you say, they only know you've lost it and they sometimes don't understand why. I once was a yeller (and have certainly lost it a few times here or there throughout the years). It's harsh and ugly and only makes things worse. Especially don't yell before bed or right before school. Can you have a good day if you've just been yelled at? Can you sleep well if you've just been yelled at? No, you can’t and they can’t either

Have dinner together, at the table, as often as possible. This is when relationships are built. Share stories, ask questions. Have a water fight (seriously, have one!! In the kitchen, it’s a blast and cleans up easily). Talk about your day, dream together about your future.

Speaking of dinner and dreaming. Teamwork makes the dream work. For dinner, or any meal, have them help. They can start setting the table at a very young age. Give them a specific task that is theirs for each meal and encourage and praise them through it. If you make it exciting, they’ll want to do it with a happy heart. After dinner, they can also help throw things away, clear the table (all age appropriate of course). You don’t have to do it all Mom (or Dad). You may have dinner cooked before they finish setting placemats, napkins and forks, but who cares! They were occupied and doing something productive. 

Tell them you love them each and every day. Hang out with them, play with them. Be involved with what they love and act like you love it too.

Give up the fun, fair, positive. Seriously people, everyone doesn't get a trophy in life. You are instilling entitlement into your children and as you can see with everything going on in our world, this is a huge issue. If it's Suzie's birthday, her brother Johnny shouldn't get a gift, it's not his birthday. Johnny will get a gift when it's his birthday. How can Suzie have the best birthday ever when it's not special and meaningful because Johnny get's all the same stuff?

Let them be kids. Let them explore and use their imagination. Help them find their imagination. One thing my kids loved to do when they were younger was play 'pioneer' outside with all the neighbor kids. They would play outside for hours, looking for treasure, making mud pies, creating obstacle courses, playing hopscotch, racing scooters and having hoola-hoop contests. Let them use their mind. Encourage them to use it. Give them ideas and let them run with it.

As they get older, trust them but be cautious. Be in their business. My kids have a phone but it's mine, I pay for it and will snatch it out of their hands at any given moment to see what is going on. We have pretty strict rules in place and don't allow them to take their phones upstairs. What is great about this is that we spend more time together, even if we are on our stupid phones in the family room. We are still together and they are not being pressured behind closed doors. There is so much pressure on kids and nothing good happens behind closed doors in the middle of the night with a smart phone. They turn their phones in before bed each night and they charge in my room. When they turn 18, or graduate hs, we will allow them to have them over night so that they can begin preparing for leaving the house. And this is exactly what we did with the ones that graduated since I wrote this long blog post.

Raise children that people want to be around, they are our future. In 10, 15, 20 years, these kids will be graduating college or trade school, heading off to the military (and wowza, that will be a harsh reality if they've never had to follow rules), and heading into the workplace and real world. Set them up for success.

At the end of the day, we all have to do what is best for our own family and each individual kid. We disciplined each of our kiddos a little different because they are different and responded to punishment differently. One type of punishment didn't work for all.

And last but certainly not least, pray with them. Pray for them. Pray over them. Pray for their friends and their future. Pray! Pray! Pray!

Ok... one more thing... don't ever hesitate to ask your child for forgiveness. We all mess up and say things we don't mean, use harsh words or harsh tones. Suck up your pride and apologize. Right the wrong and win over their heart. We must hold onto their heart so that they trust us and look to us for support and guidance. Teach them to guard their heart above all else.

So, Are your children likable?

If you are still with me, WOW!! Thank you! Don't kill the messenger😊. Again, these are just my opinions from my perspective of how we wanted to raise our kids and what kind of humans we want our adult children to be when they grow up and leave the house. If you know me, and know my heart, you know that I do not mean for any of this to be hurtful. So much of it was an eye opener for me many years ago as well . I've learned so much over the years, and am still learning each and every day.

Parenting is hard! I thought the toddler years would be the hardest and now I realize the adult years are just as hard, if not harder. It’s not much ‘parenting’ these days, except Taryn still, but more advising and guiding them to continue to make good choices. Their choices now have life altering consequences, good and bad, and their future depends on them making good choices. When they come to me for advice, and I love when they do, I have to be certain I continue to guide them properly, with love and wisdom. I often have to remove myself, and my emotions, from the topic at hand and focus on what is truly best. What is right, isn’t always easy. What is easy, isn’t always wrong. What is right for one, may not be right for the other. Just like when they were children. One needed to stand in the corner, because he hated it so much and would beg me to just spank him, the others would beg to stand in the corner to avoid being spanked. What works for one doesn’t work for all, but some basic parenting principles will go a long long way for all.

It really does take a village and I'm so very grateful for the village we've surrounded ourselves with to raise these kids in this crazy world.


xoxo,

Trina

Sending Him Off To College

Today, we moved Jayden, our only son, into his dorm at University of Houston (UH).

It’s a very different time for this new chapter in his life, and in ours. This experience will forever change his life, and mine. I mean, who is going to eat our leftovers and who is going to take out the trash? 🤨🤔😂

Because of all the uncertainties with COVID, we didn’t know if they’d actually be opening campus or not and so we really procrastinated on buying things. Last weekend we finally started to purchase some items he needed and it all finally started to set in. As the pile grew, the more realistic it became. We ordered his architecture supplies (500 friggen dollars worth) and picked up all the necessities. 

Each time we talked about him leaving for college, Taryn would get so sad. These two are close, they've always been sidekicks. As I comfort her, and she comforts me without even knowing, I ask myself, have I prepared him for being away? Have I done enough? Taught him enough? Prayed enough? Listened enough? 

UH would only allow two people to move him in and so Jayden had to say his goodbyes to Taryn and a Lauren (his girlfriend) this morning. It was tough as expected. Even though he's only down the road (45 minutes no traffic), it's still hard. It's going to be an adjustment for Taryn to be the only kiddo at home.

Jeff rode with Jayden and I drove separately. I held strong until I turned my music on. There were a couple of songs that I listened to daily, when we were walking through a hard time, and one of these songs came on. I completely lost it. I had a good cry for about 5 minutes and then I was good once again. You know, God knows!  He knows when to play the songs you need to hear.  He knew I needed to hear this particular song as it always gives me so much reassurance. 

We got to campus a little before 9 am, unloaded the cars into 2 big blue bins, and checked in. It was all so simple. It was also, so very empty. We didn’t see any other students or parents, just a handful of volunteers who checked us in and guided us on where to go. 

We found his room and got everything unpacked and settled. He doesn’t have a roommate and only has one suite mate, who hasn’t moved in yet. The downside of no roommates is that there isn’t an immediate connection and “friend”. Hopefully the suite mate moves in soon! 

We only had a two hour window, to unload and get him settled, and it was just enough time to get it all done. I was starting to feel a pit in my stomach, I didn’t really want to say goodbye but it was time. And then he said “well, I guess I’ll just come back home for a while”. Although I was ok with this, I really wanted him to meet people and walk around campus to find where everything is. You know, food, library, food, oh, did I mention food?! The thing is, there are not many people on campus, it was practically a ghost town. I could hear some people talking in the room across from him but didn’t see anyone. It was quite odd. I wasn’t expecting hundreds of people, as I knew they staggered the move-in days, but I thought we’d see someone!

He walked us to our car and even got in his car to come home for the afternoon when I decided to encourage him to find the cafeteria in hopes of meeting someone there. I also knew that Taryn will have a difficult time saying goodbye again so I want to avoid that if possible. That said, I also don’t want him sitting in his dorm room alone so would rather he’s home than there alone. Plus, we forgot the tv, and since there are no activities on campus, he’d really be bored in his room (although that’s not a bad thing sometimes). 

He decided to stay and so we got out of our cars and gave him a big hug and said our goodbyes (knowing we’ll likely see him later, or tomorrow, or this weekend).

As Jeff drove away, I took a deep breath and I knew I was going to be ok but more importantly, I know Jayden is going to be ok too. 

We have been preparing him for this moment for 19 years. We have raised him up in the way we want him to go, we’ve taught him right from wrong and although he’s like every human and makes mistakes he’s one of the best kids I know. We have done our best to instill in him the principles we believe to be truth. Have we always been perfect? Nope. Has he made mistakes and departed from our teaching? Yep. Each time we have picked up from where we fell and we have moved forward with God leading our path.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. Psalm 37:5

Therefore, dear friends, since you have been forewarned, be on your guard so that you may not be carried away by the error of the lawless and fall from your secure position. 

18 But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever! Amen. 2 Peter 3:17-18

A Letter to My Son Before He Goes to College

As we are just a few days away from taking you to college, I wanted to share my heart with you. 

Where have the years gone?? A bittersweet day for sure. For the past 19 years, it’s been my job to protect you. The time has come… A brand new chapter in your life, a new experience for you. I’m going to miss you, a lot, but I can’t wait to see what the Lord has in store for you. You are going to have an incredible year at UH.  You’ll experience new things and meet new friends who will become your lifelong friends. You’ll have times of joy and laughter and times of sadness and sorrow. Through each experience; the good, the bad and the ugly, remember to praise Him. Praise HIM!! Praise Him through each happy moment and through each storm. He will guide your path and He will always be with you.

As I drive away and you feel the sense of independence, there is something I want you to remember. As my only son, and a great one at that, I am so proud of the person you are. Independence is a great thing but it can also be scary. Be careful. Guard your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. Don’t be afraid to call and ask us for guidance. Always remember the principles we’ve instilled in you. Make good choices.  Learn from your mistakes. Study hard. Have fun! 

When you miss me, and I know you will, call me! Text me!  FaceTime me! Seriously, anytime of the day or night, if you need anything please do NOT hesitate to reach out to us. You are never too grown or too old to need your Mom. Yes, I said it. Mom. M-O-M, Mom.

You are an incredibly strong and smart young man with a big heart. You are a blessing to me, our family, and so many others. I Love You Jayden!

Overwhelmed but Grateful

I don’t give this guy enough credit… Just as I type this, I have tears in my eyes because this man loves me more than I deserve to be loved. It’s been an emotional couple of weeks, gearing up for the girls to leave, the anticipation of Jayden heading off to college and entering the real world and then just the of three of us left here at the house.

Last night, Jeff asked me if I was feeling depressed. My answer to that was a solid NO. I don’t feel depressed and although I’m sad from time to time, I’m really just overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with the uncertainties of Covid, the constant changes and just the unknowns of school and our future is overwhelming for me. It really makes me so sad to see everyone in masks... is this what our future is going to look like?  I’m overwhelmed with a million little things, some of which are completely irrelevant, but others that are heavy and they consume my thoughts (health, racial divide, home improvements, do we sell, do we stay, finances, should I look for a new job during this time, peer pressure on the kids, awareness of sex trafficking, my business, my family, I miss my Mom, do we buy school clothes or more pajamas, the list goes on and on). 

Today, I had a dentist appointment to get a tiny little filling. If you know anything about me you know I’m terrified of the dentist. I previously had to use the gas mask just to get my teeth cleaned. Thankfully, with the help of my essential oils, I was able to stop using the gas mask during cleanings and instead I oil up before I arrive to my appointment. When I made this appointment to get my filling, I had full intentions of using the gas mask. My appointment had to be scheduled for a longer amount of time in order to use the gas mask and so I was certain I’d use it. Well, last night I decided I wasn’t going to. I’m not so sure where this came from but it was pretty heavy on my heart not to use the gas mask. I was nervous and I thought about calling to cancel the appointment 317 times today but I made a decision and I was going to stick to it. I oiled up before I left the house. On my way to the appointment, I spoke with one of my friends who encouraged me and I knew I was making the right decision. I got to the dentist office and as I sat in my car, I look up and there stood my handsome husband with a beautiful card in his hand. He knew how terrified I was to go into this appointment today and although that sounds ridiculous, because I’m 41 years old and shouldn’t be scared of the dentist, it’s real anxiety. I didn’t open the card as I knew I’d get get emotional and I really felt prepared to walk in there and tell them I changed my mind and would not need the gas mask. I was in and out of the office in about 40 minutes and I’m proud to say that I did not need the gas mask. I held my little bottle of essential oil in my hand, and when I needed it I took a little sniff (only one time). Y’all, this is huge!! 

I got home just in time to say goodbye to Kiarra, she has been here for the last couple of days to take a second load of her things back to school. She left and I went back into my office and started working again. Jeff finished up a conference call and left the house and came back with a Starbucks drink for me. Y’all, it’s not even that big of a deal… it’s a card and a drink, but it really is the little things that matter so much. ☺️❤️

Taryn returns home today (she’s been glamping at the lake all week) and one week from today, Jayden leaves.

Just knowing this great man is by my side, holding my hand and wiping my tears when they fall, makes my heart pitter patter. 🥰❤️🥰  But more importantly, knowing we serve a BIG BIG God who has much bigger plans for our life, who takes away our fears and anxieties, and gives us hope for our future, is the only reassurance we ever need. When we start to feel overwhelmed, we really can turn to him, we can seek his face anytime, anyplace and he will be there, arms wide open.

From six to three

What an incredible 7 weeks weeks we’ve had with all 4 kids under one roof. 

It’s been 8 years since Tamia has been with us for more than just a day or 2 at a time. With the pandemic and quarantine, not much is open and there’s really not anything to do so we’ve spent a lot of time at home, cooking, playing games, having baking contests, tie-dying, hanging out at the pool, watching movies and watching way too much Netflix. Most recently we’ve been doing prank wars. The kids pull pranks on each other and on their Dad. And then he has been getting them right back. I just sit back and watch (I’m not so secretly scared to death of whatever prank they may do to me). They already know they’ll die if they try to do anything with mayo so don’t even suggest it!! 

Over the next two weeks, our full house of 6 will be reduced to just the 3 of us. The girls leave over the next 2 days and Jayden will leave in 2 weeks. It’s going to be so strange for everything to be so quiet. I’m going to miss Kiarra making so much noise in the kitchen, just trying to do the smallest task like getting a cup of coffee. The more quiet she tries to be, the louder she is. It’s now a running joke in our home, we all know when Kiarra is awake. She has one semester left at the Bible college she attends and then she’ll transfer to DBU full time. Tamia has the sweetest spirit. It’s been so great reconnecting with her and seeing the bond that the 4 kids have. She has the kindest heart and the best laugh. We’ve reminisced some fun times. She is going into her last year of college and will soon be a high school math teacher. 

In June we went to Iowa to see the family and had a small graduation party for Jayden. It’s the first time we’ve taken a road trip and driven two cars. Typically we rent a suburban (and used to drive our own before downsizing) but taking two cars anywhere is our new normal. There were 7 of us and so renting a suburban wasn’t going to be comfortable.  I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t recommend taking two cars on a long road trip.  It took longer, waiting on them to catch up to us, or having to drive slower because they’d get cut off. Getting gas and quick bio breaks even took longer. Plus, it’s not as fun to annoy Jeff by myself on road trips, I need my sidekicks helping me out with that.

It was also the first time in 8 years that Tamia has been to Iowa. So many changes and new family members since she’s been there. It was so great to see everyone. She was also with us for Fathers Day, Jaydens birthday and his graduation (which were all three in the same day), the 4th of July and her birthday!  It’s a summer I’ll never forget (definitely a year no one will likely ever forget). 

Oh yea, speaking of cars, with Taryn being the only one that can’t drive, and each of us having our own car, it’ll also be so weird to only have two cars at the house after they all leave. No more car shuffle each night based on who is going somewhere the next morning. No more moving 5 cars to workout in the garage. No more driving someone else’s car because ours is blocked in. Just the two remain. One day last week it hit me that I won’t have anyone to run quick errands for me. Right now, if it’s the middle of the day and I want Starbucks, I sent one of the kids with my debit card. If I’m in the middle of cooking and realize I’m out of an ingredient, I send one of the kids to the store. If Taryn needs to be picked up or dropped off from anywhere...... yep, I usually send one of the kids. 

 

It’s also going to be very strange to transition into cooking for only 3 of us. Right now there is almost always 6 of us, sometime 7 but that’s dropping to 3. Whoa, my grocery bill will drop too. Hallelujah!  Seriously though, I’d rather continue spending $$$ a week on groceries and have them all safe at home than only cook for 3. I really love them here and we have so much fun, plus I enjoy cooking. 

What a unique time we are all moving into. 

My heart goes out to all the kiddos going off to college for the first time. It’s certainly not going to be the first year experience they had all hoped for and thought it would be. Most of their classes will be online. I worry about the mental health of all kids stuck in rooms for days at a time. Jayden will have one in-person class each day so it’s good he’ll be getting out daily but all other classes will be online for the foreseeable future. Now that he doesn’t know who his roommates will be, I’m praying he gets a good one. 

I will admit that this entire transition is going to be tough. It kinda feels like I’m sending 3 kids off to college at one time. They’ve all been home so long now that we have our normal daily routines and habits.  I’m not in the fetal position bawling my eyes out that they are all leaving. Am I sad? Yes, I am sad and I’ll be sad, but I’m good for the most part. I think I’m more frustrated that the world is in the state that it’s in and that everything is just so weird. So many uncertainties and unnecessary anxiety with the future.... but God. 

Although it wasn’t the summer we planned, our 3 weeks trip to Europe was cancelled, Gods timing is always perfect. If we were not in the midst of the pandemic, these 7 weeks with the 4 kids wouldn’t have happened. This time is precious and I cherish it. The bond we all have is one I don’t ever want to take for granted but will continue to thank our mighty God for. 

If nothing else in our world in constant, one thing is. God. Through all of this, He remains full of hope and promise, full of guidance, wiping away our tears and our fears. Going into this new chapter, I will continue to turn to him. 

Until next time...

I can’t stay silent, I won’t

To my white friends and family, maybe I can help you understand something that’s taken me years to understand. As you are my friend on this platform I’m asking you, as my friend, to read this in it’s entirety and keep an open mind. Don’t be quick to think “this doesn’t apply to me”. 

WHITE PRIVILEGE 

I haven’t always understood this term. My husband tried to explain it but I just didn’t understand, I became offended and we had to “agree to disagree” at that time (years ago). 

I thought that because I grew up in a broken home, got groceries with food stamps and was on the free lunch program at school, that I wasn’t privileged at all. 

When I heard “white privilege” I thought of Beverly Hills, CEOs and celebrities. I thought it applied to super wealthy white people who can do whatever they want, buy whatever they want, fancy cars, big houses, buy themselves out of trouble, etc. I didn’t understand that it applied to me. 

It has always applied to me and if your skin is like mine, it applies to you too. 

White privilege doesn’t mean you’ve never had to struggle. It doesn’t mean you’ve had it easy or that you’re not currently struggling.

White privilege is a built in advantage that doesn’t have anything to do with our income, education or effort. We have greater access to power and resources than those of color. 

White privilege is not something we asked for and it’s not something we can control by ourselves. Now that I understand it, I can speak up and bring awareness and I’m hoping you can understand it now as well. 

I’ve done my best to teach my children to love and respect everyone. But that’s not enough, we must do more. 

You are privileged whether you want to admit it or not. Think about this... 

I can leave my house anytime of day or night and no one cares.

I can walk in my neighborhood  with a hoodie on and no one looks twice. No one says “oh there’s that thug white girl with a hoodie, we better watch her”.  NO ONE LOOKS TWICE. This is not the case for my husband and son. 

I can go to a store and walk around the entire store without one person watching and following me. My husband and son cannot. 

I can get pulled over by police (and I have many times... sorry, I like to drive fast) and not one time have I felt afraid of them. This is not the case for my husband and son. Typically, I sweet talk my way out of the ticket and leave with a warning. My husband has gotten a ticket every-single-time. Maybe he’s not as sweet of a talker as me. Or maybe it’s because he’s Black. 

That is just a small snippet of white privilege. 

BLACK LIVES MATTER

Please do not stop reading here. This is not saying “only” black lives matter. If you are still saying and hash tagging “all lives matter” you are missing the point. In the grand scheme of things, yes of course everyone matters but that is not the point. Think of this. If Taryn, my 13 year old, cuts her leg and we rush her to the hospital we will expect the doctors to take care of her. We don’t need them to stitch up Jeff or Jayden or anyone else who is with us because nothing is wrong with them. They are not cut, they are not in pain and they are not bleeding. We need the doctors to tend to her because SHE IS IN PAIN, AND SHE IS BLEEDING.

Do you understand now? Is that explanation elementary enough for you? 

Black lives matter because they are hurting. They are bleeding. They have endured years of discrimination from us and the BLM movement is to open our eyes to this. It’s not saying their lives matter more than ours, they want to matter and be equal. Be treated with dignity and respect. 

I truly hope that none of you, my friends on this platform, are racist. When I first started dating Jeff, some of my family members were not initially supportive. Small town white girl moves to Houston and falls in love with a black guy. They were not rude, they were cautious and protective. As soon as they met him, they quickly realized that he’s a nice person and they began to see him the way I see him. Well, not quite exactly the same, but they loved him because he treated me good and they accepted him.  There were however a few family members who didn’t accept him. One asked us not to return to their place of business because “it was bad for business”. I was super close to this person. I went there every time I was with my Dad growing up and through high school. It hurt my heart, it still hurts. I know I will never fully understand how this hurts Jeffs heart. I only see a glimpse of what my husband has dealt with his whole life, and that glimpse tears my heart apart, I can’t even fathom the pain from living it every day. 

If you claim to not see color, what do you see?? You should see color. We are not all the same and we are not all treated equal. By saying you don’t see color is offensive and turning a blind eye. You should see the beautiful skin they were blessed with. God created them, just as he created you and I and you should see this. You should open your eyes and see that they are treated very different from you and I. See the color. Embrace the cultural differences.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. I ask that you think about yourself, your loved ones and mine.

My brother has been a state trooper for over 20 years and we have dear friends who are police officers. I know there are WAY MORE good cops than bad cops. Nothing about my message above is intended to bring any discussion at all about police officers. We love them and we need them. And I love and need my husband and son. This issue is SO much greater than the police brutality we’ve seen in the news. It starts with you. Even if you love all and are not racist, it still starts with you. You can share posts to raise awareness to your friends who may be racist or bias. You can take a stand and speak up for those who don’t have a voice. Don’t be silent. Don’t turn a blind eye.

And last but certainly not least, we need to pray. When I pray in these situations, I pray not only for the family and loved ones of the victim(s) who lost someone very special to them, but that these situations won’t happen again. Just because we pray for things not to happen, it doesn’t mean they won’t. We all have free will to do as we choose.  We either choose to love and not judge/hate someone based on their skin color or we choose to hate them. We either teach our kids to hate based on this or we teach them to love all. This is taught, no one is born hating someone. I pray for unity and that the damage from generations and generations of racism/discrimination/hate that’s been instilled into so many will have their eyes opened and they will begin to love all and not discriminate based on the color of someone’s skin, or their religion, or lifestyle.

Spread love not hate.