I wrote this blog post over 4 years ago... At first, each time I’d go to post it, something would have recently happened with a friend and I didn’t want them to think this is directed towards them. I’ve reread, changed and added to this post 17 dozen times…ok, ok, not 17 dozen but certainly no less than a dozen. I initially started when we were seeing some crazy things in the news with school shootings and adults going crazy over Trump or Hillary possibly becoming our president (I still don’t understand how we didn’t have more qualified candidates available to run...and here we are again in the same position).
I am being extremely vulnerable here with my opinions. I’ve hesitated for years on posting it because I don’t want my opinions and experiences to change the way you think about me and more importantly, I don’t want you to think I’m judging you.
I know how hard parenting is and I want to build you up, not tear you down. It takes a village to raise kids and I’m so grateful for the village that has helped us along the way. I’m so very grateful for a couple of specific people who poured into us when we were young parents and shared with us some specific principles in raising children.
Believe me, I don’t write this thinking I have everything figured out! If you know anything about what we went through in 2012-2013, you know we do not have it all figured out...
Today, I received a sweet compliment from a friend on how she hopes her young daughter is half as great as Taryn one day. She told me that I should teach a parenting class and so this prompted me to finally publish this blog...
Well, here goes (I've had to tweak a few things since it's been so long that I wrote this, all my tweaks are in blue).
Let’s start with a question…
Are your children, children that people want to be around?
Did you have to think about that?
It’s a question that was asked to me 12 16 years ago and one that I pondered and took swift action to change the way I was parenting. I read books, attended parenting classes with our pastors and evaluated our parenting and disciplinary actions. One of my favorite books was Train up a Child by Daniel L. Switzer.
Jeff and I didn’t initially see eye to eye on parenting. He had to break the switch off the tree to get a whoopin’ when he needed to be disciplined. I only recall being spanked one time. He wanted to spank and I wanted to focus on positive reinforcement. What an idiot I was! I’m not against positive reinforcement, I think it should be used on a daily basis as part of building up the character of our children, not a replacement for punishment.
As I was the one who was home with the children most often due to Jeff’s school and work schedule when they were little, I was the one to discipline most of the time. We practiced a tough love discipline at a very early age. From the time they were born (or a few weeks old), we began discipline. No, I didn’t whoop my infant, but I did very gently move their hands from pulling my hair or earrings and lovingly said “no-no, we don’t pull hair” in a soft but firm voice. As they got older, they’d get the light tap on the hand with a more firm “no – we don’t pull hair.” This is just one example of how discipline starts at a very young age.
How about a few more questions… Do your children:
- Scream and throw tantrums?
- Talk back to you?
- Run around at a dinner out like little monsters bumping into waiters and waitresses?
- Do their chores without being asked?
- Do what you ask them to do without having to ask multiple times?
We are raising the next generation of human beings. Put your phone down and pay attention to your kiddos. Listen to them, teach them, praise them, build up their character and love them. They grow up so fast, now with 3 in college, I wish I would have listened more, read 'one more book' before tucking them into bed, played more games (and if you know us you know we already play a lot) and most important, prayed more with each of them.
Another question… Why do you allow your kids to behave badly? Yes, this is a legit question. When you are in public (or at home) and your kids are screaming and yelling and you do nothing about it, you are allowing this behavior to continue. But why? Why do you allow this? I’m not talking about the random, once every couple of months fit. I’m talking about the day to day bad behavior that you allow that stresses you out and causes you to drink every day.
When you shove a device in their hands to shut them up, you have allowed them to behave badly and have rewarded them for their bad behavior. When you ignore them and allow them to continue screaming and throwing a fit, you are allowing this to continue. When you let them walk freely and they run away from you and have to chase them like a maniac yet do nothing to stop it, you are allowing this to continue. This is all mind blowing to me. I can’t understand it, I literally can’t comprehend this style of parenting and why you'd want to be so stressed all the time.
What has happened to teaching your kids to act properly at a restaurant, at a friend’s home or even at your own home? What happened to making your child sit quietly in the cart (withOUT a device in their hand) while you do a little grocery shopping? What happened to talking to your children while you shop and run errands, explaining to them what you are buying, why you're buying it, what you are doing, where you’re going later in the day, etc.? I walk around the store now and am so saddened by each kid having a device in their hand and no interaction with the adult at all. What are we doing to our children?
Are we that scared as a society to discipline our children? Are we so consumed with how others think of us that we can’t even discipline to raise our children in a way that will set up their future for success?
Kids not only need discipline, they want it. Everyone succeeds when a child has had proper discipline. A child who behaves properly and is respectful is a child that everyone wants to be around. Do people want to be around your children?
When our 4 children were younger we’d walk into a restaurant, and people would roll their eyes at us. Some would roll their eyes because of the beautiful variety of skin tone we offer. Others would roll their eyes because of the kids being so young (newborn, 5, 7 and 8 or before Taryn was born ages would be 2, 4 and 5). They’d immediately thought their dining experience was going to be ruined. I cannot even count the amount of times that someone would stop by our table and say something like “when you walked in with all those kids we dreaded the hostess sitting you by us, but your children are so well behaved, great job raising them”. I get emails often from teachers thanking us for raising polite children.
I don’t include this to brag or gloat. I include this because I know how hard it is to raise kids to be respectful, sit quietly yet still have fun at a dinner out. I share this because there are parents out there right now struggling with this and maybe this will give them hope that they too can enjoy a dinner out with their littles. Tough love was worth it guys.
We had one hard pressed rule on going out to eat, going to birthday parties or to a friends for dinner. If the kids had missed their nap that day, we were NOT going. I was not about to set them up for failure, or myself for anxiety and a miserable time (not only for me but everyone around us who are trying to enjoy a dining out experience), all because the kid didn’t get a nap. Why would you do this to yourself? To your children? To other lovely people in the community and your friends? I'm going to ruffle some feathers with this next statement but I think it's important to include... I do NOT think kids should get to play on a phone or tablet while dining out in order to behave or be good while you chat it up with your friends. They might get to use a device for 30 minutes when you get home because they showed good behavior at the restaurant, but they certainly are not going to be rewarded with playing games because they acted like a little brat and you want to shut them up with the device. What is this teaching them? Be terrible and be rewarded? No. No. No. And honestly, my kids wouldn't get the 30 minute "reward" for their "good behavior" because we expected/demanded it. It would have been a normal day for them to behave well at a restaurant because we've taught them, from a young age, our expectations of how to act in public.
Did that hit a nerve? Are you still with me?
I’ve had friends say to me, “oh Joey was so bad yesterday, he threw fits all day, he wouldn’t nap, he wouldn’t listen, etc…” I’ll ask “what did he eat?” The response, “for breakfast he had donuts and juice, for a snack he had crackers and fruit snacks, for lunch he had a corn dog and chips, and for dinner last night we went and ate Mexican food.”
Well my friend, there is your answer!
You can’t feed your kids sugar and processed foods ALL day and expect them to behave properly. Even if you have other measures of discipline in your home, the sugar and processed food intake will take over their mind. Where are the fruits and vegetables? Where is the home cooked food (and I’m not talking about boxed mac & cheese or hamburger helper here)? Where is the balance between good and bad. Don’t get me wrong, there are days we eat donuts as well. We love donuts, but it’s certainly not happening more than once a week, if even once every two – three weeks. Months go by and we don’t eat donuts. They are horrible! We also eat processed foods, and I love some good Mexican food, but in moderation. If it were up to me, we’d eat fresh meat, fruits and veggies for every single meal (and I hope to get there sooner than later).
Some may say “well I am going to die anyway and I just want to enjoy what I eat.” How’s that working out for you? I used to have this attitude and it’s a really bad one to have. Yes, the only thing in life that is guaranteed is death, but it doesn’t mean we have to torture our bodies with crack (sugar) to end up with cancer and/or any other horrible diseases such as alzheimer's, dementia, etc. Feeding your kids in this way is not only causing them to act like little heathens, it’s literally killing them.
When the kids were little, Cheetos made them act crazy. I didn't know why, but I hated them eating Cheetos. It was almost as if a demon took over their body, they immediately were rambunctious and disobedient. I hated it but never understood what it was about the Cheetos that caused this. I now know it's the red dye and MSG. Processed food, MSG, and dye is TERRIBLE for their little brains. It is terrible for all of our brains but especially theirs.
Ok – enough about food… let’s talk about behavior in general.
Are you teaching your children to lie? I mean, we all know we don't have to 'teach' them to lie but are you making it worse by having them lie? Think about this... Do you ask them to hide things from Daddy? "Don't tell Daddy I bought this", or "don't tell Daddy we got ice cream today". Do you tell your kids to lie to their teacher that they were sick when really you were on vacation? Do you tell your kids to lie to their siblings that they didn't do something that they actually did for fear the other child might be "jealous" because they didn't get to do it? If we encourage them to lie, and teach them that it's ok to lie by having them do it, you are in big big trouble my friend.
Do your children talk back to you? This was one of our hard rules that we did not bend. Absolutely no talking back, ever. Not to us, not to other adults, not to teachers or grandparents and not to each other. One quick back hand was all it took for them to never do it again. And let me be clear, I'm not talking about when we are in a discussion or something of that sort. I'm talking about "Suzie, pick up your shoes and put them away". "Yes ma'am" is all I need to hear. If there was a hesitant thought and/and slight mouthing of "but...." BAM! backhanded in a second. Again, we didn't have to do this but maybe one time because we just didn't allow them to talk back. We took the authority over them from the start. We were in charge and they respected us.
We also didn't allow them to fight or stay angry at each other. Of course they still had little discussions and arguments but we talked through them. We worked through them and let them explain themselves to one another so that they could learn to communicate and not be upset because of a misunderstanding. That has changed a bit in the recent teen/adult years but when they were little, nope, not having it, didn't allow it.
Does your child do what you ask them to do the first time you ask? This is another thing we instilled at a very young age and didn't bend. There was no counting to 3 (don't even get me started on how stupid this is, yes I said it... it may be the stupidest thing a parent can do), and no telling them 14 times to do something. Do what we ask the first time we ask and do it with a happy heart. PERIOD!
Now that I've mentioned counting... let's go there. Counting is counter productive. Why would you want to count to 3 before your child listens? Seriously, why? Think about that.
Counting to 3, you know the long drawn out onnneee, twwwoooo, twwooo and a half,. thrrrrrr, teaches kids that they don't really have to listen. They learn that they have many opportunities before they have to actually listen and you are literally teaching them that it's ok not to listen. Hear me out here. Suzie is playing out in your front yard and you see a car speeding down the street and you just don't have a good feeling about this car. You call Suzie over and she just looks at you like you are crazy because you haven't gotten to twwooo and a half yet. Bam! Suzie gets hit by the car that was driving crazy because she didn't obey the first time you called her name to come to you.
Is that an extreme example? Yep! On purpose to get you see how dangerous it is to count. Let’s use a less extreme example. Suzie is 4 years old and you’ve asked her multiple times to get her shoes on so you can leave the house. You already have them set out for her, all she needs to do is grab them and slip them on. She’s a big girl, she can do this, but she doesn’t respond to you. You tell her again and again, and then start counting. You’ve given her 5 opportunities to put her shoes on. You are frustrated and frazzled and your heart is starting to race. You wonder why she doesn’t listen the first time. She still doesn’t have her shoes on and since you’re now running late, there is no consequence for her not obeying, 5 times, and so it’s ignored. You put her shoes on for her and off you go. Even if she finally put them on herself, you have literally allowed her to be disobedient, disrespectful, rebellious, disruptive, etc.
Your child should do what you ask, the first time you ask. Believe me, you want this! Your home will be so much more peaceful. Your health will improve and you’ll have more energy for the things you love. And, as importantly, your child will be a better human being. You’ll instill in them the importance of responding and obeying the first time which automatically molds them into being respectful, and as they get older, they will be more responsible. Let me be clear, this doesn't mean they’ll never be rebellious.
Alright... let's talk about stress. If you are stressed, your kids are going to be stressed. If you are worried about this election (and again this year) and openly discussing your fears in front of your young children (about anything and everything), you are instilling fear in them that doesn't need to be there. Are you stressed about finances, work, health, moving (the list goes on and on)? These are adult issues that only need to be discussed with adults. Don't impress this fear in them. They have enough to worry about, they do not need to carry your burdens. It’s ok to share certain things with them, age appropriate of course, so that they can learn but little kiddos don’t need to know all the crazy details.
Speaking of stress, how do you handle your stress? Do you drink? Smoke? Your children are learning your habits, behavior and patterns. If you drink each night because you are stressed, guess what, they are going to want to drink when they are stressed. Stress starts at a very young age these days and kids are battling wars we didn't have to battle. They face things we didn't have to face. They are stressed and are going to find a way to deal with that stress. What kind of an example are you setting? Am I saying I never drink? Nope! I’m not saying that. I enjoy a glass of wine or margarita here or there, but I have one hard rule about drinking. I will NOT drink if I’m stressed. I’m not ‘coping’ with stress by drinking it away. I have many other ways, and could write a whole blog just on that.
Are you fighting in front of your children? Do you know the insecurities that are caused by this? Do you know how afraid they are when you raise your voice and argue with your spouse? This has life long effects, don't do it. Learn to fight right. Learn to communicate and respect one another. Learn to leave the children out of it. And please, PLEASE, do NOT turn the children against the other parent. There is absolutely no need for them to know any details of the disagreement you had with your spouse.
Alright, let’s switch gears here.
When your child messes up, and eventually they will, just know that a bad choice doesn't mean they are a bad person. Their actions don't define them. Other people's perception doesn't define them. Now if they choose to continue doing the same bad things over and over, that is another situation but kids are going to mess up. Whether it's a bad grade, a decision to talk to someone they shouldn't talk to (online), experiment with drugs, etc. they can make bad choices without being a bad person.
Build them up. Don't talk negatively about them when they can hear you (or at all). If you need to vent to your Mom or a friend about something, don't do this in their presence. Don't tell Dad how they failed a test in a demeaning way in front of them and your other children (or their friends). They already feel terrible for failing, talk about it privately and come together with a plan to help Suzie-Q succeed. I'm not saying not to talk about it, but be careful with your tone and facial expressions. I didn't realize the awful face I would make (and still do, working on that) when I'd be upset with them. It was terrifying.
Encourage them. Tell them what they CAN do, not what you think they can't do. Don't remind them constantly that they did this wrong or that wrong. Don't remind them that they are scared of this or that. Encourage them to find what they are passionate about and support that. Encourage them to help others, instill good working principles into them so that they want to be a good citizen and serve others (with a happy heart). Encourage them to do things they are afraid of but don't push to hard. Encourage them to try new things, again with a happy heart.
Praise them! When they do a great job, make a big deal of it. When they listen the first time you tell them to do something, make a big deal of it. Praise them and lift them up. Speak love into them. Speak truth. Praise them when they pick up their toys, even if it's not to your perfection. Praise them when they eat the vegetable that they didn't want to eat. Praising and encouraging them helps to build their character.
Listen. Listen. Listen. Y'all, I've been there through the story that could have been told in 35 seconds but instead it took 10 minutes, 20 minutes or even an hour. There are times I thought the story would never end. There were times I wanted to say 'get to the point' (but never did!). What they are telling you is important to them, make it important to you too. Stop what you are doing, put the phone down, look them in the eye and listen. Love their story. Be encouraged by it, encourage them to continue talking. One day, if you continue to make them feel unimportant by not listening and engaging with them, they will find someone/something else to make them feel good and it could be terrible.
Don't yell. Yelling is so harsh and it only scares them. When you yell, they can't hear anything you say, they only know you've lost it and they sometimes don't understand why. I once was a yeller (and have certainly lost it a few times here or there throughout the years). It's harsh and ugly and only makes things worse. Especially don't yell before bed or right before school. Can you have a good day if you've just been yelled at? Can you sleep well if you've just been yelled at? No, you can’t and they can’t either
Have dinner together, at the table, as often as possible. This is when relationships are built. Share stories, ask questions. Have a water fight (seriously, have one!! In the kitchen, it’s a blast and cleans up easily). Talk about your day, dream together about your future.
Speaking of dinner and dreaming. Teamwork makes the dream work. For dinner, or any meal, have them help. They can start setting the table at a very young age. Give them a specific task that is theirs for each meal and encourage and praise them through it. If you make it exciting, they’ll want to do it with a happy heart. After dinner, they can also help throw things away, clear the table (all age appropriate of course). You don’t have to do it all Mom (or Dad). You may have dinner cooked before they finish setting placemats, napkins and forks, but who cares! They were occupied and doing something productive.
Tell them you love them each and every day. Hang out with them, play with them. Be involved with what they love and act like you love it too.
Give up the fun, fair, positive. Seriously people, everyone doesn't get a trophy in life. You are instilling entitlement into your children and as you can see with everything going on in our world, this is a huge issue. If it's Suzie's birthday, her brother Johnny shouldn't get a gift, it's not his birthday. Johnny will get a gift when it's his birthday. How can Suzie have the best birthday ever when it's not special and meaningful because Johnny get's all the same stuff?
Let them be kids. Let them explore and use their imagination. Help them find their imagination. One thing my kids loved to do when they were younger was play 'pioneer' outside with all the neighbor kids. They would play outside for hours, looking for treasure, making mud pies, creating obstacle courses, playing hopscotch, racing scooters and having hoola-hoop contests. Let them use their mind. Encourage them to use it. Give them ideas and let them run with it.
As they get older, trust them but be cautious. Be in their business. My kids have a phone but it's mine, I pay for it and will snatch it out of their hands at any given moment to see what is going on. We have pretty strict rules in place and don't allow them to take their phones upstairs. What is great about this is that we spend more time together, even if we are on our stupid phones in the family room. We are still together and they are not being pressured behind closed doors. There is so much pressure on kids and nothing good happens behind closed doors in the middle of the night with a smart phone. They turn their phones in before bed each night and they charge in my room. When they turn 18, or graduate hs, we will allow them to have them over night so that they can begin preparing for leaving the house. And this is exactly what we did with the ones that graduated since I wrote this long blog post.Raise children that people want to be around, they are our future. In 10, 15, 20 years, these kids will be graduating college or trade school, heading off to the military (and wowza, that will be a harsh reality if they've never had to follow rules), and heading into the workplace and real world. Set them up for success.
At the end of the day, we all have to do what is best for our own family and each individual kid. We disciplined each of our kiddos a little different because they are different and responded to punishment differently. One type of punishment didn't work for all.
And last but certainly not least, pray with them. Pray for them. Pray over them. Pray for their friends and their future. Pray! Pray! Pray!
Ok... one more thing... don't ever hesitate to ask your child for forgiveness. We all mess up and say things we don't mean, use harsh words or harsh tones. Suck up your pride and apologize. Right the wrong and win over their heart. We must hold onto their heart so that they trust us and look to us for support and guidance. Teach them to guard their heart above all else.
So, Are your children likable?
If you are still with me, WOW!! Thank you! Don't kill the messenger😊. Again, these are just my opinions from my perspective of how we wanted to raise our kids and what kind of humans we want our adult children to be when they grow up and leave the house. If you know me, and know my heart, you know that I do not mean for any of this to be hurtful. So much of it was an eye opener for me many years ago as well . I've learned so much over the years, and am still learning each and every day.
Parenting is hard! I thought the toddler years would be the hardest and now I realize the adult years are just as hard, if not harder. It’s not much ‘parenting’ these days, except Taryn still, but more advising and guiding them to continue to make good choices. Their choices now have life altering consequences, good and bad, and their future depends on them making good choices. When they come to me for advice, and I love when they do, I have to be certain I continue to guide them properly, with love and wisdom. I often have to remove myself, and my emotions, from the topic at hand and focus on what is truly best. What is right, isn’t always easy. What is easy, isn’t always wrong. What is right for one, may not be right for the other. Just like when they were children. One needed to stand in the corner, because he hated it so much and would beg me to just spank him, the others would beg to stand in the corner to avoid being spanked. What works for one doesn’t work for all, but some basic parenting principles will go a long long way for all.
It really does take a village and I'm so very grateful for the village we've surrounded ourselves with to raise these kids in this crazy world.
xoxo,
Trina
Tell them you love them each and every day. Hang out with them, play with them. Be involved with what they love and act like you love it too.
Give up the fun, fair, positive. Seriously people, everyone doesn't get a trophy in life. You are instilling entitlement into your children and as you can see with everything going on in our world, this is a huge issue. If it's Suzie's birthday, her brother Johnny shouldn't get a gift, it's not his birthday. Johnny will get a gift when it's his birthday. How can Suzie have the best birthday ever when it's not special and meaningful because Johnny get's all the same stuff?
Let them be kids. Let them explore and use their imagination. Help them find their imagination. One thing my kids loved to do when they were younger was play 'pioneer' outside with all the neighbor kids. They would play outside for hours, looking for treasure, making mud pies, creating obstacle courses, playing hopscotch, racing scooters and having hoola-hoop contests. Let them use their mind. Encourage them to use it. Give them ideas and let them run with it.
As they get older, trust them but be cautious. Be in their business. My kids have a phone but it's mine, I pay for it and will snatch it out of their hands at any given moment to see what is going on. We have pretty strict rules in place and don't allow them to take their phones upstairs. What is great about this is that we spend more time together, even if we are on our stupid phones in the family room. We are still together and they are not being pressured behind closed doors. There is so much pressure on kids and nothing good happens behind closed doors in the middle of the night with a smart phone. They turn their phones in before bed each night and they charge in my room. When they turn 18, or graduate hs, we will allow them to have them over night so that they can begin preparing for leaving the house. And this is exactly what we did with the ones that graduated since I wrote this long blog post.Raise children that people want to be around, they are our future. In 10, 15, 20 years, these kids will be graduating college or trade school, heading off to the military (and wowza, that will be a harsh reality if they've never had to follow rules), and heading into the workplace and real world. Set them up for success.
At the end of the day, we all have to do what is best for our own family and each individual kid. We disciplined each of our kiddos a little different because they are different and responded to punishment differently. One type of punishment didn't work for all.
And last but certainly not least, pray with them. Pray for them. Pray over them. Pray for their friends and their future. Pray! Pray! Pray!
Ok... one more thing... don't ever hesitate to ask your child for forgiveness. We all mess up and say things we don't mean, use harsh words or harsh tones. Suck up your pride and apologize. Right the wrong and win over their heart. We must hold onto their heart so that they trust us and look to us for support and guidance. Teach them to guard their heart above all else.
So, Are your children likable?
If you are still with me, WOW!! Thank you! Don't kill the messenger😊. Again, these are just my opinions from my perspective of how we wanted to raise our kids and what kind of humans we want our adult children to be when they grow up and leave the house. If you know me, and know my heart, you know that I do not mean for any of this to be hurtful. So much of it was an eye opener for me many years ago as well . I've learned so much over the years, and am still learning each and every day.
Parenting is hard! I thought the toddler years would be the hardest and now I realize the adult years are just as hard, if not harder. It’s not much ‘parenting’ these days, except Taryn still, but more advising and guiding them to continue to make good choices. Their choices now have life altering consequences, good and bad, and their future depends on them making good choices. When they come to me for advice, and I love when they do, I have to be certain I continue to guide them properly, with love and wisdom. I often have to remove myself, and my emotions, from the topic at hand and focus on what is truly best. What is right, isn’t always easy. What is easy, isn’t always wrong. What is right for one, may not be right for the other. Just like when they were children. One needed to stand in the corner, because he hated it so much and would beg me to just spank him, the others would beg to stand in the corner to avoid being spanked. What works for one doesn’t work for all, but some basic parenting principles will go a long long way for all.
It really does take a village and I'm so very grateful for the village we've surrounded ourselves with to raise these kids in this crazy world.
xoxo,
Trina
