Sending Her Off To College

Today, my first born, Kiarra starts college. A new journey and an experience that will forever change her life…one that will forever change mine as well. Over the past 2 months, we began accumulating things for her to take to college. The bigger the pile got the more real it became. I’ve been thinking about this moment for 18 years. How will I manage without my side kick? We have done life together for almost 19 years. Have I prepared her for being away? Have I done enough? Taught her enough? Prayed enough? Listened enough? 

Last week, we packed up the cars and drove her to the apartment that will be her home for the next 5 months. I rode with her so we could talk and spend time together yet I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t believe this time had come. How did these years go by so fast? Last year, we thought she’d be here for two more years attending community college but just as I wrote in my blog, When He speaks, we listen, those plans changed. On one hand I was incredibly happy and thrilled for her and on the other I was sad for me, Jeff and the kids. Life as we know it will no longer be the same. We have a lot of fun as a family. We love to play games and be silly, bake, cook and have water fights. She almost always goes to the store with me (literally my side kick) and we just love being weird.  I have faith that life will only get better, be better and I truly know this is where she is meant to be.

We arrived before lunch and check in was a breeze. She got the keys to her place and we stopped by to see if her roommates were there. Unfortunately they were not, but many other girls were around and came out to say hi. She was immediately welcomed with open arms. We went and had lunch and then headed back to her place to unload, unpack to get her settled in. Her roommates were there when we returned and they were so nice and welcoming. They are both a few years older and are in their 2^nd and 3^rd year. Saying I felt a sense of relief is a complete understatement of how I felt. I was overjoyed with how sweet, kind, compassionate and caring these girls were. Kiarra immediately had two big sisters looking out for her best interest.

The girls had to go to work, so we sent Jeff to the store and began unpacking and getting her settled. We really do make a good team, we had most of the stuff done before Jeff returned (we may have asked him to hit up Starbucks while he was out). Making the bed was seriously the hardest thing we had to do (top bunk).We laughed and had a great time getting everything organized. Before he returned from the store, we already had a list of other things she needed.  We finished up and then headed back to the store and then to dinner. I was delaying as much as humanly possible. We took her back to her place, unloaded and unpacked the things we had purchased and we said our good-byes for the night.

I was feeling great. I thought to myself “I can do this, that wasn’t so bad”…

The following morning, we went to her place to finish up. We didn’t have a planned agenda for the day and we didn’t have a set time to leave so I was THRILLED when she said she wanted to go shopping to get some sweaters (quite cold up there right now) and a couple other things she thought of.  YESSS… more of a delay and more time with my girl!!  We hit up a humongous Old Navy and a few other stores close by and then had lunch. 

The day flew by and it quickly became time to say good-bye. I thought I was good. We had a great day, I was feeling a little sad to say good-bye but felt I had it together…

We hugged and laughed and said our good-byes. Jeff hugged her and I felt something in my chest. My heart was pounding…. It started racing and chills ran through my entire body. We walked out without shedding a tear… and then we got to the car. We barely made it out of the parking lot when the tears started rolling. I couldn’t stop them. I thought I was ok. I was not ok. The tears would stop for a moment and I’d think I have it together and then my eyes would just start gushing again. I couldn’t get them under control.  My heart was hurting; at times it felt like daggers were stabbing me. I cried the whole way home, stopping long enough to get in a 30 minute nap.

I knew I would be sad, and I knew I’d cry. I just didn’t know I’d literally feel the heartache I felt that day. Even though I know she is in a great place and is going to flourish and do wonderful things, it doesn’t change the pain I felt in my heart knowing she’s not home each night and not under my roof.

Here we are, a week later and although I’ve had a little melt down each day, the pain in my heart has completely turned to joy and I cherish each text, snapchat, and call I receive from her. Am I still sad? Yes!  Do I miss her? Yes!!  But, I have a sense of peace each time she crosses my mind that reminds me “He’s got this”.  It also helps that her roommates have taken her under their wing began pouring into her on day one. They set goals their first night together, prayed together and have taken her with them to campus events and around the city. I’m grateful to God for these young ladies! Seriously, so grateful and so thankful!

Well I thought  that was the end of my post. I’ve been writing this for weeks, mostly in my head, but finally got it in writing late last week. Then, yesterday morning, one of the members in the band shared a message he received from the Lord. He said “Church, God has been preparing you for 18 years for this moment…” I initially took it as if he was talking to our pastor but as I sat there taking it all in, I’m quite positive that message was directly for Jeff and I. It was exactly what I needed to hear. It’s true, we have been preparing for this moment for 18 years. Was I ready?  No! But we have been fervently preparing her for this moment. From getting her first tooth at 2.5 months old, to walking at 8 months, to her first day of kindergarten, first sleepover, first day of Junior High and High school to her first job, driving and gaining some independence to her last day of high school, we have raised her in the way we want her to go.  Throughout every first, every good day, every bad day and all the days in-between, we have done our best to instill in her the principles we believe to be truth. Have we always been perfect? Nope. Has she made mistakes and departed from our teaching? Yep. Each time we have picked up from where we fell and we have moved forward with God leading our path. We had an extra 5 months with her to prepare her for this next first in her life…her very first day of college, today.  We love you Kiarra!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. Psalm 37:5

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27

A Letter to My Daughter Before She Goes to College

Well…here we are, just a few days away from taking you to college.  Where have the years gone?? A bittersweet day for sure. For the past 18 years (almost 19), it’s been my job to protect you. The time has come… A brand new chapter in your life, a new experience for you. I’m going to miss you, a lot, but I can’t wait to see what the Lord has in store for you.  You are going to grow deeper in your faith and in your walk with the Lord. You’ll experience new things and meet new friends. You’ll have times of joy and laughter and times of sadness and sorrow. Through each experience; the good, the bad and the ugly, praise Him. Praise HIM!! Praise Him through each happy moment and through each storm. He will hold your hand and guide your path. He’ll wipe your tears in the sad times and will smile with you during the joyous times. He will always be with you.

As I drive away and you feel the sense of independence, there is something I want you to remember. As my firstborn, you had my heart first. My whole heart. I didn’t know I was capable of loving another child because I loved you so much. Independence is a great thing but it can also be scary. Be careful. Guard your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. Don’t be afraid to call and ask us for guidance. Always remember the principles we’ve instilled in you. Make good choices.  Learn from your mistakes. Study hard. Have fun!

When you miss me, and I know you will, call me! Text me!  FaceTime me! (I better see your name come up on my phone a lot!!)  Seriously, anytime of the day or night, if you need anything please do NOT hesitate to reach out to us. You are never too grown or too old to need your Mom. Yes, I said it. Mom. M-O-M, Mom.

I know you have to go, but I have a brilliant idea… sleep in and skip class so you fail and have to move home!!  We can get you your job back at TSA (hee-hee)!!  Although I’m only half joking, I really do want you to succeed. You are an incredibly beautiful young lady with an even more beautiful heart and soul. I’m incredibly proud of you for listening to the Lord and being obedient to His calling for you. You will be blessed by this obedience.

You are a blessing to me, our family, and so many others. I Love You Kiarra!

Medical Emergencies

One year ago, we had quite a scare in our family. In my Journey to Health Volume II blog, I mentioned that on Day 16 I had a great check-up and was ecstatic but then things took a turn for the worse, but it didn’t have anything to do with me and had everything to do with Kiarra and my brother, Talan.

Kiarra had her wisdom teeth removed on December 28, 2016.  She was swollen as one would expect, and we have some pretty hilarious video coverage of that day, but all went well and she was recovering nicely. Once it was time to go back to school, she did and was feeling ok.  She had her two week check-up with the surgeon and everything was good. He said she was healing perfectly and she could resume normal activities.

Just two days later, Friday (the 13^th) morning, she woke up swollen and in major pain. I called the surgeon and sure enough they wanted me to bring her in.  Kiarra was so worried about missing work that she didn’t initially want to go back to the doctor. Once we got there, the doctor had one quick look at her and told me they had to take her into surgery immediately to open her back up and get the infection out.  They whisked her away and the nurse handed me a bunch of paperwork to sign. Because she had eaten yogurt and drank some things earlier that morning, I was basically signing her life away. I signed papers that I wouldn’t sue them if something happened to her while under anaesthesia since she didn’t have an empty stomach. Then, more papers to approve resuscitation if need be… and of course all the regular papers you have to sign when agreeing to surgery. It all happened so fast, I didn’t have time to think, I just signed away. I asked the nurse for reassurance, but they couldn’t give me any (for obvious reasons). With a heavy heart, I went to the waiting room.

I no longer sat down to take a deep breathe and to call Jeff with an update when I got a call from my Mom.  She was sobbing on the other end of the phone and I could barely understand a word she was saying. All I heard was “pray for your brother, he’s not breathing”. And then silence. She was driving through the hills in Iowa and had no service. I was frantically trying to get a hold of her, and just lost it and started sobbing myself. One of the sweet nurses from the surgeon’s office came out to console me, thinking I was upset about Kiarra (which I was, but this wasn’t just about her). I quickly explained that I was ok, and that I wasn’t upset about Kiarra, but something else in regard to a phone call I had just received. 1. She didn’t believe me.  2. I know both situations is what caused my meltdown. 3. I was still moving a bit slow as I was still recovering from surgery as well (and on day 16 of not taking hormone medication... which was a disaster in itself).

I got a hold of Jeff, still crying,  he thinks I’m upset about Kiarra (which I am) but barely got a few words out when my Mom called me back. I had to hang up on him to talk with her…she briefly updated me and said he was now in an ambulance but wasn’t breathing when they got to the ambulance and also had no blood pressure…

I finally got to update Jeff and soon after, Kiarra was finished and the surgeon was ready to talk to me. He said he has been doing this for over 30 years and has never seen an infection this bad and escalate this quickly (remember, he just saw her two days prior to this and everything seemed to be good). He said he has definitely had some cases where infections happened but mostly dry sockets or something minor. He only remembered two other cases that were quite extreme where he had to go back in and open someone up in this emergency type of situation but neither had the infection this bad. He had this look on his face that I’ll never forget. A deep look of concern, almost as if he was scared. It was a look of compassion yet fear.  He had JUST seen her in his office two days ago and she was healing perfectly.  Mind you, I was also internally freaking out about my brother so my mind was all over the place. He told me all the signs to watch for in the case he didn’t get it all out. He told me she was MAJORLY swollen and that it would only get worse within the next few days. He gave me the emergency number to reach him if anything transpired over the weekend.  The nurse gave me additional aftercare instructions and I was able to take her home. When he told me that she was majorly swollen, I was expecting the same amount of swelling that she had after having her wisdom teeth out. I was shocked when I saw her. She was almost unrecognizable. It looked as if she had a softball in her cheek (and she was highly medicated). It immediately brought tears to my eyes (thankfully I had sunglasses on). This trip home was not as fun as the trip two weeks prior. The first trip was full of a very hilarious Kiarra acting like ET while driving a race car and wanting me to slow down so we didn’t get pulled over by the cops (I was only going 2 mph over the speed limit).  This trip was brutal. At first we couldn’t get her in the car, she would not stand up from the wheel chair and was just in so much pain.  More pain than I’ve ever seen her in! She was crying hysterically, confused, mad and again soooo worried about her job. She gave me the same look she gave me as a young child when she’d get those stupid shots… the look of “save me…why are you doing this to me”.  It was awful. I was driving and trying so hard to be strong for her, holding her hand and telling her it was going to be ok but about half way home, I lost it. That was even more confusing for her. Thankfully we don’t live that far, and I was able to get it together. As all this is happening, my phone is blowing up with texts from my family in Iowa either with information on Talan or wanting information on Kiarra.

We got home, Jeff helped me get her settled, get oils applied and then I was able to take a deep breathe.

I called my Mom and she gave me the update… Talan was alive but only after being resuscitated two times. He and my nephew were out and about doing somethings when he began having an asthma attack. My nephew drove him as fast as he could to meet up with an ambulance and when they got to the ambulance, he could not breathe. The ambulance took him to the local hospital and they couldn’t get a blood pressure and began to lose him. They had to resuscitate. This hospital took him to another, larger, hospital in the city where at some point they had to resuscitate again.  Finally, they managed to stabilize and get a ventilator in him. He was in a coma but stable and resting allowing his lungs to heal. His daughter, just 20 years old, was called in to make decisions. My Mom, Teige & Kathy, and my nephews were there as well. I text our life group, our pastors and our amazing prayer warrior friends and we all began to pray for him.

Kiarra didn’t want anyone around her and didn’t want anyone to see her. My heart broke, it was so hard seeing her in so much pain. All you Moms how I’m feeling here, it is extremely hard to see our children in pain. She was taking the pain medication and we were applying oils that support infection and pain but the swelling was just so much. She finally looked at herself and was shocked. She wept. The doctor said it would take weeks for this swelling to go down. Our sweet young pastor came by with dinner for us and prayed with us. Harvey came as well; he held her hand and comforted her. She slept a lot.

It was a very scary 24 hours for both Kiarra and Talan. I received an update on Talan mid-morning and his lungs were stronger and they said they’d remove the ventilator if he continued to improve, praise the LORD. Mid-afternoon, the ventilator was out and he was breathing well, talking and being his typical goofball self. He was still in ICU and was being so ornery that they kept getting into trouble from the nurses for being too loud. He had everyone cracking up.  It wasn’t long and he went from being on the ventilator to being released. Someone who had just been resuscitated twice within the past 24 hours was now free to go home. Mind blowing to me. But, that’s God. He is so good, always!

Kiarra was not doing so well. The swelling was only getting bigger. The pain was unbearable. She had homework and was still so worried about her job. I text her boss and told her she wouldn’t be there for at least week and they were so understanding. That helped ease her mind a bit.  She returned to school, thankfully she had late arrival and early dismissal so she didn’t have to be there all day every day. After a couple of days, the swelling in Kiarra’s face started to go down and she had a full recovery. It took a full 3 months for it go down completely but it did and she’s doing great!

Although we don’t always get along, Talan is an important person in my life and I can’t imagine him not being here. This was a scary situation and I’m so glad they were able to save him and he was able to recover…now if he’d just take care of his asthma daily instead of when he just has flare ups… that’s another blog for another time. :)